I have been really struggling with my Depression and Anxiety lately, so this may seem like jumbled mess of thoughts and feelings. Be gentle with me.
I don’t really know how it started, I don’t know why I have this feeling of impending doom or why I feel like I’m sinking but I do. I can’t explain it or give people a reason as to where it originated. That’s the root of all frustration for me, I know that I’m okay and that I’m safe. I know I have every reason to be happy and satisfied with my life…but I’m not. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel safe, I feel like there’s constant turmoil in my brain, and I have no appetite, nor have I been sleeping.
This is what it’s like to live with a mental illness. You know for a fact that there is no goddamn reason for you to be sad or scared but you are and you can’t control it. No matter how many deep breaths I take or coping mechanisms I use–the anxiety goes away for a time but it leaves me mentally and physically exhausted, and often depressed.
I can’t “chill out” or “get a grip” believe me I would if I could. I just need someone to tell me that they are here and not try to fucking fix me. I need you to hug me and not try to talk or anything, just hold me and make me feel like someone out there cares. I need you to just let me know that you’re thinking about me, no advice (I pay money for that) just let me know you will think of me. If you see me isolating, call me and tell me “hey would you like to go somewhere?” doesn’t have to be fancy or far, could just be to your house to watch a movie.
Often people who don’t have a mental illness feel powerless and scared when confronted with it, especially if it’s someone they love. I’m here to tell you to just love me. Love me, don’t try to fix me, love me. Love is powerful and it’s all encompassing. I’ll feel it and I’ll know.
I don’t hate any of you, I’m not mad at any of you. I’m just trying to figure myself out and it’s fucking exhausting.